Here is my letter to my ex, that of course I won't send, but writing it is therapeutic.
Dear Ex Lover,
It was not an easy decision to end our relationship. Even as I spoke the words to you, I still had my doubts. Am I doing the right thing? Hurting you like this was not a decision that I took lightly, as I still have love for you in my heart.
I asked you for space many times before this break up. Out of your fear, fear of losing me, you grasped hold of me tighter, not giving me that space. You claimed this was because you love me, but it felt a lot like fear to me. So I broke up with you. Even when I did it, at that time, I wasn't sure it would be permanent. I felt that we did still have a chance in time.
So as the weeks went by, instead of accepting my decision, you fought it tooth and nail. I began to dread waking up to your emails. All I could see in your words was your bleeding heart. I understand that you are hurt. Your contact was a constant reminder of the pain I had caused you. All of those questions that you wanted answered right then and there that I wasn't ready to answer. Why couldn't you just wait until our emotions were more under control? Things might be different now had you not pushed so hard.
You wouldn't stop. You found excuses to come over. You left something, you had something of mine to return. Every time it wasn't about that at all, and the conversation always turned back to us. Constant reminders of all the negatives and the reasons I broke up with you in the first place.
Then the emails. Was I seeing anyone. Could we still have sex. How could I just turn off feelings. You began placing blame and guilt. Did it ease your pain? It became a constant battle for you to try to control the outcome to what you want, with no consideration for what I want. It began to feel like control and manipulation.
The more you pushed, the more defensive I became. The more you tried to talk it out, the less I wanted to. It was emotionally exhausting trying to make you feel better when it simply just wasn't in my power to do so. I finally put my own sanity and well being first and did the ultimate and blocked all of your means of communication. It didn't have to be this way.
Your constant contact just reinforced all the reasons I broke up with you. There were times I would be laying in bed at night, missing you something fierce. Wondering if I did the right thing. Then I wake up to a slew of emails with you again pushing me and I remember why I broke up with you in the first place. Pushing me to reconsider. Telling me how you loved me. The worst part was sharing your conclusions about how I had no heart and how cold I was. You were making assumptions that I know weren't true. Probably trying to find your own justifications for the demise of our love.
I couldn't even have time to miss you, for you were always there, reminding me. I began to see that I had the power of your happiness in my hands and that my dear is too big of a burden for anyone to carry.
Had you given me time to heal and do some soul searching, things might have turned out differently. Instead, you just confirmed for me that I made the right decision with your constant contact and disrespect of my boundaries. It felt to me like you were trying to get something from me that I wasn't ready or willing to give at the moment. It just doesn't work that way.
Your lack of self control during this critical time for us did not make me want you back, quite the opposite.
So I shake myself off and keep moving forward in my life without you.
Sincerely,
Your ex.
So moral of this story, if you are thinking of sending the letter to my ex, think twice. If he or she has broken up with you and is not at this moment trying to reconcile, you bleeding your heart out will not help. Give he or she space and time. Call upon your self control. People can get back together, but it's not going to happen today more than likely. It takes time for people to heal, emotions to calm.
I know of a woman who recently reconciled with her ex after a year of no contact. They had time to evaluate the depth of their love. Had they rehashed it over and over in the beginning, too much damage would be done to be able to go back and fix the broken relationship.The time apart gave them both space to heal and grow.
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